Quagmire

WARNING! This Hunt puzzle is hellishly convoluted and excessively silly.

To see the solution to this puzzle, change the .php to .txt

Awkward people always know how to get their VCRs to stop blinking 12:00.
It is a well-known anthropological fact that people prefer yellow-green crayons to green-yellow ones if and only if their favorite letter has 180-degree rotational symmetry when written in uppercase.
Grues will eat anyone except for wandering avocado merchants (avocados give grues sour tummy).
In an odd fit of artistic pique, the original inventor of the Futil-O-Mat vending machine designed it so as to only accept 33-and-1/3-cent coins.
Once donned, a viking helmet will vike for well over threeve-teen years.
A favorite letter that is written as exactly three dots in the Braille alphabet is a surefire sign that a person is a Polish polish salesman.
Bitter people never have favorite letters that are also atomic symbols.
Joe's Diner refuses to serve the pine-scented.
People who prefer green-yellow crayons to yellow-green ones frequently travel to Sesame Street on weekends.
Having a Roman numeral for a favorite letter is necessary to enjoy classical rap.
Gargling with raspberry vinaigrette gives a person mad street cred.
The Royal Metropolitan Kickass Opera House is and always has been used exclusively for performances of "Tetris! The Musical".
Vitamin W gives anyone who consumes it a superhuman sense of humor.
Recipients of the Stainless Steel Flamingo award always fall for the ol' "got your nose" trick.
Anyone whose favorite letter occurs in the word "misconjugatedly" is subject to the Doppler effect.
Close proximity to vaguely defined energy rings invariably causes inflammation of the solar plexus.
Fool's Licenses cannot be issued to anyone under the age of threeve-teen.
Only those who play in marching theremin bands can develop a liking for steak.
Nobody with an IQ that is an even number ever falls for the ol' "got your nose" trick.
Seventh sons of seventh sons are always destined to be pinball wizards, and are the only people who may do so.
Everybody wears jetpacks. Everybody.
People with mad street cred have favorite letters that are in the Hawaiian alphabet.
Executive producers always handle any chard-related situation with aplomb.
Nobody can circumvent Asimov's Twenty-Three Laws of Robotics (Expanded Edition), unless they are sporting a soul patch.
The Magical Flying Robot Pope loves people whose favorite letter has a vertical line of symmetry.
Any medical disorder involving the solar plexus requires a trip to Doctor Von Lollipoppen.
Hard chargers never allow anything to be put into their drinks.
Third World residents are highly principled.
The favorite letter of a person with an odd-numbered IQ is always located on the row above the home row on a standard QWERTY keyboard.
Skippy Troutmaster, noted theater critic, recently lambasted "Tetris! The Musical" for its "gratuitous and pointless French whistling interludes from every single actor involved."
The most noted side-effect of Pac-Man Fever is an inability to have an idea that isn't good.
You can always spot a philosophy major, as they are the only people on earth that grow soul patches.
Peanut butter crackers can only be purchased from Futil-O-Mat vending machines.
Nobody is ever exactly threeve-teen years of age; that would just be ridiculous.
Coming within a mile of any dangerous amount of bran causes a permanent inability to tell whether the word "pharaoh" is spelled correctly or not.
Anyone with a favorite letter that canonically represents a pentomino will despise this puzzle.
There is nothing in the world more embittering than not being listed on the E! network's recent "50 Most Macho List".
Anyone with a favorite letter worth more than one point in Scrabble cannot stand teeter-totters.
Those who can run fast hate doing anything that would make them as slow as dialup.
In order to truly enjoy peanut butter crackers, one must get the satisfaction of purchasing them oneself.
All people over the age of threeve-teen enjoy classical rap.
Needlessly Exploding Gin Rummy is a card game played by anyone and everyone with nerves of steel.
Limes are an excellent source of Vitamin W.
When given a choice between two crayons, wandering avocado merchants always prefer the one that comes later alphabetically.
People with the ability to tear phone booths in half frequently while away the winter months making stained glass likenesses of Pat Sajak.
A pinball wizard has got to have a twist of lime in his drinks.
Only those with the proper Fool's License can participate in a game of Needlessly Exploding Gin Rummy.
The wildly popular "How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?" radio contest on WGLP is only open to people with radios.
Wearing a viking helmet until it no longer vikes is the only path to discovering the meaning of life.
Law #21 of Asimov's Twenty-Three Laws of Robotics (Expanded Edition) states that every entity alive has an IQ that is an odd number.
The Karmakarmakarma tribe of South Detroit worships as gods those who can get their VCRs to stop blinking 12:00.
33-and-1/3-cent coins have not been minted since 1873.
For reasons unknown to modern science, anyone who possesses any Grey Poupon develops a severe allergy to stained glass.
The sixth sense only manifests itself in people who dot their i's with smiley faces.
Anybody with a favorite letter that forms an angle larger than forty-five degrees in semaphore can always tell whether the word "pharaoh" is spelled correctly or not.
Teeter-totter enthusiasts never visit Doctor Von Lollipoppen.
Only those who fear the powerful anti-telharsic rays from Google's secret satellites wear tinfoil fedoras.
Only executive producers can wear jetpacks that shoot out flames.
Every single person on the E! network's recent "50 Most Macho List" wears primrose corsages.
The consumption of llama is absolutely forbidden, unless it is a Wednesday or the consumer is suffering from Pac-Man Fever.
People with favorite letters that rhyme with "fee" tend to fall to their death at the end of Disney movies.
They don't have radios in the Third World.
W is not and never has been a vowel; any notion you have to the contrary is a byproduct of the temporal tampering of frasters.
People who don't have any Grey Poupon always have a vowel for a favorite letter.
Fifth wheels can usually be found in the snack section of your local grocery store, near the Tostitos, Cheetos, Fritos, and Speedos.
Evil arch-chancellors love to transform themselves into snakes.
Members of the Fourth Estate order the llama fingers platter at Joe's Diner every Saturday.
Refusal to serve the pine-scented is a flagrant violation of non-discrimination policy.
Macrame enthusiasts invariably smell like pine.
Anyone with strength to play in a marching theremin band can easily tear a phone booth in half.
At night, the streets are overrun with all of the world's pinball wizards.
It is impossible to achieve perfect dental health unless you own a toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, and a flamethrower.
Due to all the hairpin turns and randomly placed razor pendulums along the way, it takes expert navigational skills to reach the Batting Cages of Doom.
Nobody can come within 50 feet of a flamethrower unless they strictly abide by the Anarchist's Dress Code.
Dental floss is a priceless commodity, available only to winners of WGLP's weekly "How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?" contest.
A recent study published in the International Not Made Up Journal of Real Actual Psychology proved beyond any shadow of doubt that all hard chargers secretly suffer from ludicrophobia.
Philosophy majors don't laugh at math jokes any more than metal heads headbang to Bread (which they don't).
Nobody who hasn't caught all 150 Pokemon can ever really say they have nothing left to live for.
The ability to throw hard can only be achieved by practicing at least five hours a week.
The most integral part of the Anarchist's Dress Code is the tinfoil fedora.
Those who don't own dental floss always compensate by gargling with raspberry vinaigrette.
Everybody in the world has Grey Poupon, except for non-macrame enthusiasts.
Only those who have acted at the Royal Metropolitan Kickass Opera House can wear primrose corsages.
Nobody falls to his death at the end of a Disney movie unless he is an evil arch-chancellor.
Only somebody with nothing left to live for would ever prefer to sit in the smoking section of a zeppelin.
All coins minted prior to 1950 contain dangerously high levels of bran.
Highly principled people never work anywhere that defies non-discrimination policy.
Fifth wheels are very awkward, especially around radishes and Swiss chard.
People who prefer to sit in the non-smoking section when they ride zeppelins always dot their i's with flowers.
There are only two kinds of jetpacks: those that shoot out flames, and those that shoot out rings of vaguely defined energy.
No Polish polish salesman has ever caught all 150 Pokemon.
The way to Sesame Street is a closely held secret, known only to employees of Joe's Diner.
A second guesser's favorite food is always steak.
Wait, no, they like steak, but candy corn is always their favorite.
No, hold on, scratch that. Peanut butter crackers. They like peanut butter crackers even more than they like steak, candy corn, OR fruit salad...
Crap, they'd forgotten about fruit salad. Look, they... they just like them all, okay?
Ludicrophobes are those with an irrational fear of anything which rhymes with "neat-o"; they will do anything within their power to avoid them.
All first basemen can run fast, throw hard, and successfully lie about steroid use.
People with a superhuman sense of humor enjoy excessively silly Hunt puzzles.
The Fourth Estate's bylaws specifically bar any and all of its members from whistling in French.
It takes nerves of steel to successfully lie about steroid use.
Nobody who is likely to be eaten by a grue ever goes out at night.
Anyone with the patience to acquire expert navigational skills must have a love of all things hellishly convoluted.
Anti-telharsic rays have no effect on people with the sixth sense.
According to most leading handwriting analysts, people who don't know the meaning of life always dot their i's with hearts.
Snakes are as slow as dialup.
People who do not have perfect dental health are shunned by the Magical Flying Robot Pope.
Transforming oneself into a snake is never a good idea.
People who like candy corn always laugh at that one math joke where "DEC 25 = OCT 31".
The Stainless Steel Flamingo award, presented annually by Skippy Troutmaster, is awarded to anyone who can gain the respect and adulation of the Karmakarmakarma tribe of South Detroit.
The Doppler effect only applies to hard chargers.
The Batting Cages of Doom, open only on Wednesdays, are the only place in the world where one can practice throwing.
If the player in the armchair is painted the same color as the marker he is holding in his left wing, and the One Piece of Bread is currently either on the chessboard or in the Lazyr Zone, then you are solving another puzzle altogether. Possibly several.